Sensitive

Being a Gypsy has, unfortunately, in many eras been largely about the appearance of conformity. Although that could certainly be a topic on its own (and I'm sure will be on here eventually), what's on my mind tonight is actually the term "Sensitive". As someone with natural Psychic Gifts, I have often been referred to as "Sensitive", or "A Sensitive". On one level, I quite like the term. There is a ring of truth in it. I'm sensitive to things that many others barely notice. I pick up on emotions of people and energy of places. I believe that most good things have a cost of some kind, and I can certainly see that in regards to Psychic Gifts. I have the blessed ability to at times see and even talk with Spirits. The cost? They often gather around me just wanting to be seen and heard. There is often no direct connection to me, either as an individual, or as a Psychic that works for others. They just wander into my life. It's often unsettling. Especially when they look extremely corporeal and are there, all of a sudden, in my house, when my doors are locked! I early on learned to set the house rule that Spirits MAY NOT visit me in the bathroom! Talk about unsettling. Anyway, to back up a bit... yes, I am Sensitive. I have come to the realization that one of my costs for being Sensitive is to actually also be extra-sensitive to my own experiences and feelings, and I am quite sure that is part of why I have an anxiety disorder. And believe me when I say my anxiety both is disordered and causes disorder for me. One of the hardest things for me is when my anxiety gets in the way of me using my gifts for others. Though I know myself to be an excellent Reader, it takes a lot of conviction to remain so. I often have to let people down by asking to reschedule Readings because I know I wouldn't be at my best. Gosh that hurts. It is part of my vocation, my calling, to help others, and when I can't do so it frustrates a need. It also frustrates and upsets clients, which, being Sensitive, I also often get to feel... explicitly. Sadly, it also causes doubt in those who come to me, when what I wish was that it would, instead, inspire faith. I take my task reverently, and refuse to Read when I am at less than my best, because I couldn't live with myself if I ever allowed myself to compromise on accuracy. Not to say that my accuracy is 100%. Readings are an Art, and like most Art, they are to be interpreted. Still, I find joy in channeling Truth, even if we, as people, must view it through a lens. I'm blogging this because I am Sensitive, in many ways. I'm quite sensitive even to my internal environment. And right now I'm hurting because I let a client down by having to reschedule several times. Sometimes that doesn't bother me, because I get the feeling that the timing for the Reading is wrong and the needs to reschedule are synchronous. This time though, I don't have that feeling. This time, it is my own ego-experience getting in the way. And it is hard for me not to hear my inner recordings of other people's voices saying "Oh, don't be so SENSITIVE". In this male-dominated society, it is highly encouraged for us all to think more than we feel, and the notion that someone can feel (or see, or hear, etc) things that others can't is considered silly or even crazy. So that is what I don't like about the term "Sensitive". How something good, and even Holy, can be said derogatorily. And how even those of us who don't agree with that perspective, are so berated by it as to have internal 'recordings' of it. Also, I am not always happy with the subtlety of the term. It can pass in normal conversation and not even register with those not "in the know" as meaning Psychic. I respect the need of my people (and others of mystic persuasions and/or Pagan faiths) to hide in plain sight in past eras and even in present in some places, for safety, but I hate it. I don't want to have to hide. I am Sensitive. And being so I must remind myself that it is not a bad thing... it is a gift. It just has a cost. A cost that, overall, I'm happy to pay.